Zeldalonjora
by Forest Lemon
Summary: Zelda, Malon, and Majora's Mask wreak havoc upon Hyrule. Insanity ensues.
1. The Beginning

Disclaimer: You know the answer.

Hylian Lemon: You may notice a bit of spelling differences throughout the story. If you see any British-y words in there, it's probably Kaz.

Forest Girl Kaz: Or, if you see any American spellings it's probably Lemon.

HL: Now, we got the idea from this story when I was poking fun at Kaz as usual. I made up an irregular situation and suggested she add it to one of her serious stories.

FGK: Of course, we had a laugh then flipped the idea to the side. But now, here we are actually writing about it.

HL: Obviously, it was my idea to actually write it. So, you'd better enjoy.

FGK: Uh yes, he means my idea to write it but let's let him have his moment in the spotlight.

HL: Yay. eats hair

**Zeldalonjora**

**Chapter 1: The Beginning**

Zelda peeked over the top of the crates she was hiding behind. The mask shop should be closing any time now. It was dark, and market was basically empty. Still, she couldn't risk being seen. Anybody could be watching from the windows above. Something whimpered behind her and she nearly jumped from her Sheik costume. Just a stupid dog. Did those things _have_ to roam around the streets at night?

The Happy Mask Man was in fact very evil. Just a few days ago, he had given the royal family a Redead mask as a gift, and wouldn't you know it, her father had been transformed into one of the monsters right then and there. They needed something to help change him back to his normal self, since nobody wanted to get near him in his current state, and he didn't seem to want to take the mask off.

Well, Zelda wouldn't have it. That mask guy must have been planning to take over the castle while the king was like this. After all, he had all those powerful masks. Who knew what kind of things he could turn into? She would get rid of him before he could do anything about it. Afterwards, maybe she could find a mask that would protect her from Redeads; then she could get close enough to her father to try to take his mask off.

The light in the mask shop went out, dimming the courtyard even more. A creaking sound echoed through the streets as the Happy Mask Man opened the door. Zelda ducked behind the crate again, tossing the dog into an alley to distract the man. Stupid thing could have given away her location.

"Oh, what a cute little dog!" Giggled somebody in the alley. The Happy Mask Man looked around a bit, smiling grandly, and then his eyes instantly narrowed, zeroing in on the crates Zelda was hiding behind. She watched him from the shadows through a crack between boxes, desperately hoping he wouldn't see her. But she knew he could. He was some sort of supernatural being.

"Zelda, what are you doing out here? And in that stupid disguise, too?" Asked a cute, high-pitched, innocent voice. Zelda spun around with flaming eyes to see Malon standing at the entrance to an alley, holding the puppy Zelda had thrown away. She looked like she had been living on the streets for a while. Maybe she had been kicked out of the ranch for singing too much.

"Shut up!" Zelda yelled. "I'm trying to kill the mask man!"

"Nooo!" Malon screamed, dropping the dog to the ground.

"Is something wrong?" Asked the Happy Mask Man. He was standing right on the other side of the crates.

"Happy Mask Man!" Malon gasped, her mouth frozen open in a gaping smile. It took her a few seconds to break out of her stupor and remember what was about to happen. "Uhh...Zelda's going to kill you!" There was silence. A few crickets chirped.

"Isn't that what you said?" Malon whispered to Zelda. Zelda nodded in reply.

"Yeah, that's ri-" Malon turned back to face the man only to see a mangled, bloody corpse on the ground. The dog was sitting next to it, licking its lips. "Well, I guess that's taken care of. Now let's see what he had on him."

She didn't notice the dark, heart-shaped mask float up from the bag that used to be on the Happy Mask Man's back. Zelda, however, did. Her face was drained of blood, and she pointed a shaky finger to show Malon.

"Those eyes...those horrible yellow eyes..." Zelda whimpered, trying to look away but not able to.

"Eeeeeee a heart!" Malon screeched, grinning. "Huggy!"

"Noooo don't touch it!" Zelda screamed, leaping after Malon. Majora's Mask, not knowing where to turn when two teenage girls jumped at it, quickly tried to duck out of the way, but in vain. Zelda, Malon, and Majora's Mask all collided in a brilliant explosion, evaporating the dog and what was left of the Happy Mask Man.

Soon the remains of the explosion died away; a tuft of white fur was left from where the poor dog had sat, while a purple coat lay tattered nearby. Only one figure remained. It slowly rose from the ashes, yellow eyes gleaming with delight. If anyone had been in the streets right then, they would have surely screamed in terror, or...no, they would have definitely screamed in terror.

The figure's clothes were quite unusual. The right half appeared to be wearing Zelda's Sheik disguise, while the other half was wearing a simple dirty farm dress. The head was heart shaped, the face was Majora's Mask. Zelda and Malon had been possessed. The eerie voice of Majora cackled above the girls' own screaming voices.

"Now is my chance to take over this wretched kingdom; firstly, to steal all of the masks and use them to my advantage! Come along ladies, to the mask bag!"

"No! This is stupid!" Malon's voice yelled out from within the mask. Her side of the body started to pull them in the other direction.

"Oh hush up farm girl, I came here for the masks, may as well get them!" Zelda's leg pulled them the other way. The scene looked rather odd, one visible person, one leg trying to walk one way, as the other wanted to go the other. Majora was getting bored.

"I said, to the mask bag!" Its power overwhelmed them, flinging their body at the bag, it started digging through it, tossing out all of the masks. "Let's see here, Rabbit, Frog, Octorok, Frying pan, Car seat, Britney Spears. Yes, yes, all of these masks and more will be fine! Bring every one along." Forcing the girls to move, they headed merrily up to the castle. "The castle shall fall first!" Majora hissed.

"What?" Zelda shrieked, "this wasn't part of my plan."

"We aren't here to carry out your dumb plan." Malon smirked. Well, she would have if she could've.

"Yes, we're here to carry out _my_ dumb plan!" Majora laughed, then stopped when it realised what it had called its own plan. "Um anyway, onwards!"

Entering the castle, they silently moved along the corridors. Suddenly, Impa came out of her room wearing a fetching pink dressing gown with matching pink sparkly slippers. Rubbing her eyes, she stared at the figure before her.

"Impa!" Zelda's voice called out.

"Zelda? What silly game are you playing now?" The Shadow Sage folded her arms impatiently.

"You've got to warn Father!" Zelda was doing her best to hold Majora back from attacking.

"Sorry, he's currently out on his nightly neck sucking."

No more could be said. Majora took out a strange looking mask; a picture of a bicycle was engraved on the front. "Now for some transport." It lunged towards Impa, slapping the mask on her face. She screamed as her body transformed. Taking a step back, Majora chuckled. Zelda attempted to slap the mask but only felt the pain herself. Impa was now a bicycle.

Leaping on it, Majora forced them to peddle.

"We have to harness this power for ourselves." Zelda thought quietly, "if we can, who knows what amazing things we could do in Hyrule."

"Like what?" Malon was curious now.

"Like taking out some inconveniences." The princess snickered wildly. "We will become Zeldalonjora!"

Will Majora take control of the castle? Or will Zelda and Malon be able to take over the powers of the mask?


	2. Ranch Makeover

**Chapter 2: Ranch Makeover**

It took Zeldalonjora several hours to find the king. He was in a back alley, humping a guard and gnawing on his neck at the same time. When he spotted the ghastly fusion of three insane individuals hurtling down the cobblestone path on a bike that looked suspiciously like Zelda's maid, Impa, he panicked.

Behind his redead mask, the king might've been trembling in fear. On the outside, though, he was screaming in agony. Nobody could be sure whether he was trying to paralyze Zeldalonjora or was simply releasing his terror in a high-pitched shriek, but it didn't really matter anyway. He was mercilessly crushed under the wheels of the Impacycle.

"With the king gone, I can destroy the castle with ease!" screeched Majora.

"Not like he could've stopped you," Malon muttered.

"Daddy!" Zelda whimpered.

"Zelda, shut up!" the Impacycle yelled. "It's not like you're the one who got his guts all over your face."

"You shut up! Bikes can't talk!" Zelda shot back. "Malon, we have to stop Majora before it does anything worse! If we put our heads together, we might be able to overpower it!"

"It's your castle; not like I care. And if you didn't notice, our heads _are_ already together," snickered Malon.

"IF YOU DON'T HELP ME I'LL NEVER BE QUEEN AAAAAHHHH!" Zelda screamed.

"I sure hope not," the Impacycle replied.

"Here we are!" Majora cackled, screeching the bike to a halt at the gate to the castle. "We're going to gather some useful masks and let the guards destroy the castle themselves." It rummaged around in the mask bag, pulling out several. "Balrog, giant squid, meteor, evil moon, nucular warhead - "

"Nuclear," Zelda corrected.

"Whatever. Nuclear warhead, disinfectant spray can, camera phone, cake - "

"Mmm cake!" Malon exclaimed. "Can I have it when it's ready?"

"Sure," Majora groaned. "Now, let's get going. Whenever you see a guard, slap one of these suckers on him. Then we just have to escape before we get destroyed with the rest of the world."

"K!" Malon giggled.

"No!" Zelda yelled. "Hey! Stop controlling me! You fricking fruitcake!"

And so the trio (unless you count the Impacycle) rode through the castle as one (sort of), leaving a trail of destruction behind them. Actually, it was the possessed guards that left the trail of destruction, but you get the point. The castle was completely destroyed and stuff. The last explosion sent them pedalling straight up into the night sky, briefly showing as a silhouette on the face of the moon (not to be confused with the evil moon, which had self-destructed in the middle of the event).

Landing in a ditch outside Hyrule Castle, Zeldalonjora groaned and snickered at the same time. _No doubt this monster has something more planned,_ Zelda thought. _I just need to get Malon to help me. If she wasn't a complete retard, we could have been in control by now._

"We have the same head," Malon said out loud. "I can hear you."

"You two are weird!" Majora exclaimed. "It's quite unfortunate I had to get fused with two idiots like you. But enough arguing. We need to get to work destroying all of Hyrule, starting with Lon Lon Ranch."

"Yes! Yes!" Malon squealed.

"Malon, you live there," Zelda explained softly, hoping the farm girl would have a heart attack at the news.

"My dad kicked me out because I was too sucky," Malon replied. Zelda imagined her eyes turning red as she spoke. "I hate him sooo much!"

"This will be easy then." Majora smirked, steering the Impacycle through the market. Malon screamed with delight when she saw a beauty parlour.

"Ooo we have to stop!" She tried to pull their ride to a halt.

Zelda sighed. She didn't need a makeover, but she knew Malon did, and Majora could do with a touch-up.

"No we are not going there!" Majora hissed, "I'm already too beautiful for this world."

"Maybe the world in your head." Zelda giggled.

"Makeover!" Malon continued to yell until the others gave in; there was much pouting from Majora.

Stumbling in, they were greeted by the woman behind the counter.

"Welcome Sir….Madam…uh." She fumbled with some papers while trying to decide what their gender was.

An hour later the happy trio emerged from the shop; Majora ran to a trash can.

"Blaaarrgghhh!" It coughed up pink powder while trying to wipe the red lipstick from its face.

"Don't smudge it!" Malon snapped, "now come on, let's go destroy my house! Yay!"

Jumping back on the Impacycle they rode out of town only to crash into the risen drawbridge. Throwing the Impacycle aside, Zelda screamed.

"Why is this up, it's the morning!" Stomping into the gatehouse, she saw the guard sleeping in the corner. Pointing a finger at him, a red beam shot out, knocking the guard straight through the wall.

"Ooo fun." Malon copied Zelda's action, and another hole was made in the wall. "Let's go show daddy our new trick!" She jumped for joy.

Hurrying out of the door, they noticed Impa was gone. Staring past the now lowered drawbridge, they saw the bike whizzing through the field.

"Follow that bicycle!" Zelda ordered.

The scene switched to a slow motion view of them running after the bike, flailing their arms wildly in the air. Not seeing a lone cucco wandering innocently along the grass, they tripped over it, landing face first on the ground.

"Argh I hate cuccos!" Majora yelled. Jumping up, he tried to kick the animal into the sky, but missed and sent them tumbling over again.

"Animal hater!" Malon cried.

"You're the one who's so excited about destroying the ranch." Zelda stated.

"But not the cute little animals! You evil brutes!"

After a short argument they ran towards the ranch. Deciding to look in the barn first, they got a shock when the door was locked. Tugging at the handle didn't help at all.

"Ok, I know what to do!" Malon smiled. Using her new laser powers, she blasted all of the walls down; off flew the roof, down came the walls, but the door remained standing. Walking behind the door, Malon opened it then walked casually though and back again. "Ta da! All fixed!" Turning around she realised she'd destroyed the rest of it. "Oops…"

Moving onto the main house, they found Talon sleeping on the floor. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up to greet them.

"Well howdy, would you like to-"

Before he could finish they slapped the table mask on his face.

"You make a lovely piece of furniture daddy!" Malon exclaimed happily.

Majora needed a way to make these girls want to destroy the rest of Hyrule; he knew what to say.

"Hey girls, I heard Mr. Ingo has a crush on Link, you don't want that do you?"

"Whaaat?" Zelda huffed; this couldn't be allowed to happen. Link was hers!

Running out of the house, they spotted Ingo working in the fields. Grabbing a pitchfork, they ran straight for him.

"Link is mine!" Zelda screamed, "how dare you like him Ingo!"

"He's mine too!" Malon joined in. Ingo managed to dodge the pitchfork just thrown at him.

Rummaging through the mask bag, they brought out a mask: the blade of grass mask! Tossing it at Ingo's face, they giggled when he changed into a piece of grass and blew away on the wind.

"Another one bites the dust. Now Majora, tell us who else is after Link." Zelda demanded.

"Well…." Majora began. This was going to be too easy; soon all of Hyrule would be in chaos thanks to these Link-crazy girls.


	3. Of Sand and Sea

**Chapter 3: Of Sand and Sea**

"Hmm, I see." Zelda said after Majora had filled them in on some interesting 'facts'. "So Nabooru likes Link, huh? We'll have to deal with that."

"We must go and uh, what's the word you use when you want to get rid of someone?" Malon asked.

"Annihilate?" Zelda suggested.

"No..." Malon thought harder.

"Obliterate?" Zelda dove deeper into her vast vocabulary.

"No, not that either," Malon sighed, then shrugged. "I'll tell you later when I remember."

If she could have, the princess would have rolled her eyes. Deciding to forget it, they headed out of the ranch to make their way to Gerudo Valley.

* * *

Deep within Gerudo Fortress, Nabooru was busily playing her new games console. Flicking the control stick up and down while bashing the buttons, she laughed wickedly. 

"Haha! Take that Ganon you evil pig!" Slamming her finger onto another button, she smiled. "This game is great; it has me in it! Crap, I'm out of magic, must find more!" Suddenly, there was a knock at her door. Pausing the game, she got up to answer it.

"Lady Nabooru, there's a strange guest here to see you." One of the Gerudo women informed her.

"Uh-oh, strange guest you say? Must be the taxman, I told him I'd have the rupees next week! NEXT WEEK! Sheesh, those people never listen!" Shoving past the woman, Nabooru went to deal with the mess.

"Um...I don't think it's the taxman, unless he had serious plastic surgery." The woman shrugged when she realised no one was listening to her. Spotting the paused game, she picked up the controller; someone might as well play.

Stomping her way through the fortress, Nabooru arrived outside.

"What the heck?" She asked when she saw the monster before her. "You the new taxman? Well look, there's been a mixu-"

"Nabooru! Did you or did you not make a pass at Link?" The creature shrieked, interrupting the Gerudo's sentence.

"Um what?" Nabooru stared stupidly at the thing; this had to be some kind of sick joke.

"Answer the question!" It demanded.

"Erm, I called him handsome once..."

"Aaaaaahhhh!" Zeldalonjora screamed with rage. "Blast her head off!" Zelda yelled.

"You're not the boss of me!" Malon rudely replied, "but I'll try that anyway." Raising her arm, she attempted to blast Nabooru but only a puff of smoke came out of her hand.

"Gah, we're low on magic; let's strangle her!" Zelda dragged them forward.

Gulping, Nabooru hurried back into the fortress; hopefully she could lose them amongst the maze of rooms. Dashing into the first corridor, Zeldalonjora ran along it screaming inaudible words while spinning their arms around like a propeller. Entering one of the cellar rooms, Malon squealed with delight when they came across some pots.

"Whooo pots!" Grabbing one, Malon tossed it against the wall. A swarm of bees buzzed angrily out.

"Eep, run!" Zelda shouted. Running up the corridor, they bumped into a flustered Nabooru who started running the other way as soon as she saw them.

Diving into an empty room and locking the door, they all sighed, until the girls realised they'd caught their victim.

"Now we've got you! Let us do battle." Zeldalonjora began flailing its arms wildly in the air hoping to land a hit on Nabooru who just stood there.

"You know, you're really bad at this," Nabooru yawned. Taking the chance while she had dropped her guard, they reached inside the mask bag and brought out...

"The wallpaper mask?" Zelda asked as Malon slapped it on Nabooru's face. The Gerudo morphed into a lovely shade of pink patterned wallpaper.

"Yeah, we destroyed her! Oh! That was the word I wanted, destroy!" Malon giggled happily.

Zelda groaned, "I guess this place could use decorating anyway."

"It could use more fashionable decorating than this ugly pink," Majora complained.

"Don't look at me; you're the one who brought the mask," Zelda shot back.

"So how are we going to get out of here, anyway?" Majora asked. "I'm allergic to bees."

"Zelda and I can distract them while you go the other way!" Malon squealed.

"That doesn't make any sense," Zelda argued. "There must be another way out."

"Hey look, a toilet!" Malon exclaimed. "Anybody else need to go?"

"Now that you mention it, I'm feeling a little full in the gut," Majora replied.

"That's because we have the same - hey...the toilet!" Zelda remarked.

"Yes, it's a toilet," Majora observed.

Zelda shuffled through the mask bag, tossing aside useless ones. Not the brick mask, not the nuclear warhead mask, definitely not the moon mask...

"Here! The sardine mask!" Zelda shouted, holding up the tiny mask.

"I like sardines," Malon commented. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom." She pulled them over to the toilet, sitting down on it. Zelda quickly pulled the flush lever and slapped the sardine mask on their face, causing them to shrink into a tiny fish shape with three heads, plopping into the swirling waters.

"What are you doooing?" Majora shrieked as they were spun around in the bowl.

"All drains lead to Lake Hylia," Zelda yelled over the roaring water. "And you know who lives there."

"THE LAB GUY!" Malon gasped. "I always wondered what Link was doing in there!"

Zeldalonjora was swept into the plumbing, and they shot down the narrow pipes. Suddenly they were blinded with sunlight; the walls of the pipe disappeared from around them. The sardine flew out over Gerudo Valley, hurtling towards the rushing river below.

"Yaaaay skydiving!" Malon screeched. They hit the surface of the river, and she continued her screams underwater. "Hey! I can breath underwater! This sardine deal is sooo cool!"

A runaway boulder promptly smashed the three-headed sardine into the mud at the bottom of the river. Zeldalonjora struggled to reach a fin up to their faces to snatch off the mask, letting it stay at the bottom of the river. They transformed back into the monster they had been before and floated downstream, tumbling into Lake Hylia.

"Thanks for helping us get past those bees," Majora said to Zelda. "I swear, those things scare me to death."

"Hey look! A bumble bee!" Malon chirped, tickling it with a finger. "Isn't it so sweet?"

"AAAAAHHHHH!!!" Majora screamed, dragging Malon out of the water in haste. "Quick, to the lab!"

"It's too far! We'll never make it!" Zelda whimpered.

Majora quickly tossed a random mask at the bumble bee. It instantly grew to the size of a horse, growing large metal plates of armor. The stinger glistened red in the sunlight.

"Can I help you?" The Lab Guy asked the swollen red blob squeezing through the door of the lab.

"You've been doing things with Link in here, haven't you?" Zelda accused, wincing in pain from the full-body mechanical bumble bee sting.

"I like to watch him dive," whispered The Lab Guy dreamily. He popped a frog eye into his mouth.

"Did he just eat what I think he just ate?" Majora asked.

"I want the other one!" Malon pleaded.

"Enough! We're on a mission to eliminate all threats to my future marriage with Link!" Zelda shouted.

"Mine too!" Malon added.

"So you're going down!" Majora finished. They fished out the brick mask and smashed it on The Lab Guy's face, tossing him to the bottom of the pool.

"I've always wanted to go this deep," The Lab Guy Brick exclaimed with joy.

"Maybe we should give him something else," Zelda wondered. A shark at the bottom of the pool suddenly snapped up the brick, giving a loud underwater burp. "Never mind then. Majora, where next?"

* * *

Princess Ruto was brushing her fins, looking in the mirror on her bedroom wall. Her father, King Zora, was singing in the shower again. 

"Daddy, could you please _shut up_? I'm trying to look good for when my fiancé comes back!" Ruto yelled down the hallway.

"Well excuuuse me, princess," King Zora sang back at her. "I'm trying to look good for my date tonight."

Ruto didn't even want to know who the date was. "You can look good without singing," she shot back, instantly regretting phrasing it that way.

"Why, thank you, Ruto," King Zora replied, and he stopped singing.

Ruto continued brushing, thankful at least that it had worked. Little did she know that her unruly fins were the least of her worries.


	4. A Fishy Something

**Chapter 4: A Fishy...Something**

Leaving the lab, Majora pointed to the opposite side of the lake where the fishing pond was situated.

"I hear there's someone there who has a liking for Link." The mask mentally chuckled to itself as the girls started to wonder who lived there.

Frolicking over the grass, they entered the fishing pond door where they found the owner standing behind the counter, scratching an armpit. He glanced up in surprise to find a customer other than that blond kid coming in.

"Ooo pretty," Malon commented on the serene atmosphere of the place. "Me and Link will have to come here on a date someday."

"Yeah sure, after I bring him here first." Zelda smirked, or tried to anyway. Dragging them over to the counter, she eyed the fisherman suspiciously. "Was Link here?"

The man stared at them blankly; it wasn't everyday a freak with a personality split three ways spoke to him.

"Who's Link?" He lamely asked.

Both girls gasped in horror while Majora just rolled its eyes.

"Only the Hero of Time, best swordsman in all of Hyrule, my one true love!" Zelda yelled angrily. How could this guy not know Link? Everyone should know him!

"He's the hottest guy in the kingdom! And MY one true love!" Malon squealed a squeal that could put fan girls to shame.

"No, he's mine!" Zelda snapped.

"Nuh-uh, mine!" Malon replied.

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"MINE!" Majora butted in on the argument.

"Uh right, whatever." Zelda huffed. This wasn't the time to argue even if Link was so totally hers. Leaning forward, she sniffed the man's shirt. "Ah ha! Link has been here, I can smell him on you!"

Taking a sniff too, Malon wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Zelda, that's fish! Are you saying Link smells of fish?"

"No...but Majora said this guy liked Link so I assumed...Hey Majora!" She turned her attention to the spirit of the mask. "Why did you say he liked Link if he doesn't even know him?"

"I, um." Majora thought it had been caught out but quickly recovered. "He does like Link, he'd like to destroy him since he's so good looking!"

Another shocked gasp escaped Malon. "Y-you killed Link and buried his body in the pond because you were jealous, didn't you?"

"What! You're crazy, you walking circus, get out of my pond!" The man ordered them to leave.

"He has guilt written all over his face." Zelda accused. Pointing towards the pond, she screamed with rage. "Treason!"

Running into the water, they began flinging up the sand in an attempt to find Link.

"How the heck would it be treason?" Majora asked a furious Zelda.

"Plotting to kill my future husband and maybe actually doing it is treason to me!" She flung another cluster of dirt through the air.

"Ouch!" The man yelped as the sign with the rules on smacked into his face followed by a series of wriggling fish. "I need to remember to add a new rule to that sign 'No throwing rule sign at the owner'."

"I don't think Link is in here..." Malon gave up on the crazed digging.

"You're right, I bet he hid the body elsewhere." Zelda pulled them back to the counter then grabbed the man by the collar. "Where is he!"

"I've had enough of this!" The man took out a rod. "If you won't leave then I'll just have to force you to."

Jumping over the counter, he held the rod in front of him like a sword.

"We'll see about that." Zelda brought out another rod from within her clothes.

"Where did you get that?" Malon curiously asked.

"I don't know, it was just there. Does everything need an explanation?" Zelda frowned. Farm girl probably needed a map of the back of her hand or whatever, the princess couldn't think of a better inside joke for herself to laugh at right then. "Hiyaaah!" She screamed lunging towards the owner who avoided the attack.

In a frenzy of rods, the two...or four, slashed and hacked around the edge of the pond; neither would give in.

"Zelda this is stupid, do that spin thing Link likes to do." Snatching the rod from Zelda's hand, Malon began to spin around and around and around some more.

"Malon, you're such a dorkwad." Zelda groaned as she felt dizziness overtaking her. A moment later and Zeldalonjora was laying on the ground.

"Looks like I win." The man pointed his rod at their throat.

"No way." Zelda reached into the mask bag, managing to grab the closest mask she could. Tossing it up at his face, she smiled when it clasped on.

"Argghhh!" The owner cried as his body twisted into the shape of a lure, Zelda had used the Sinking Lure Mask.

"Heh, aren't you illegal?" Zelda threw the lure into the pond.

"I guess he hid Link in another part of Hyrule." Malon sulked. "Any ideas Majora?"

Sorting through the list of people in Hyrule in its mind, Majora nodded. "Yes, let us go now, to Zora's Domain!"

* * *

Princess Ruto threw her father down to the ground, wheezing.

"Daddy, you really need to lose weight or get a wheelchair or artificial legs or something," Ruto complained. "I can't carry you around forever, you know."

"If I tried to get here on my own, it would take at least a week," King Zora explained. "Wheelchairs are too small and artificial legs are too expensive. It's my duty to the Zora community to be fat. It helps guard the shrine."

"Why are you meeting your date in front of Jabu Jabu anyway?" Ruto asked. "It's a shrine. Nobody has a date in a shrine."

"Oh, he doesn't mind. Isn't that wight, my wittle Zabu Zabu!" King Zora giggled. Ruto broke into a run and escaped back into Zora's Domain.

Her fiancé would come any day and sweep her off her feet; she knew it. Ever since their last meeting in the Water Temple, Ruto knew Link was the one for her. She had disappeared out of embarrassment after showing him the way and then spied on him the rest of the time. Such a sharp young man, figuring out all the puzzles and traps she had designed to make his stay longer. She was disappointed when he fixed everything and Zora's Domain eventually unfroze; she had hoped to live with him alone in the Water Temple forever.

So what if all this had happened in the future? Their hearts were bound across time by a thread of -

"RUTO!!" shouted a voice. Ruto detected that it was a combination of Zelda, Malon, and someone who sounded like her old dance teacher.

"Present," Ruto made herself known. "Is Link here to pick me up?" She turned around to face a beautiful monster with a heart-shaped face and a mixture of clothing. "Or are you here for my father?"

"So it's true!" Zelda screeched. "You've been going out with Link!"

"Why would we be here for your..." Majora started, trailing off in a whimper.

"He's good in bed," Malon commented.

"Malon! How dare you!" Zelda shouted. "You think Link deserves someone like you? I'm gonna kill you first chance I get!" Zelda's hand tore at the sleeve on Malon's arm. The creature tripped itself and rolled around in the water. Majora gasped and gurgled in the water, trapped between two angry girls.

"How dare you rip my designer clothing??" Malon screamed.

"Who designed it? A cow?" Zelda laughed.

"That's why I don't wear clothes," Ruto concluded. Zeldalonjora stopped fighting abruptly.

"What do you do with Link?" Zelda asked in horror.

"Nothing big," Ruto described. "He used to carry me around on his head a lot. But don't worry, it's ok. We're engaged."

"AAAAHHHH!!!" Zeldalonjora dove at Ruto, pinning her to the ground and holding her head under the shallow layer of water.

"You know, I can breathe underwater." Ruto gurgled.

Malon scrambled for the mask bag and tore out the Smart Person Mask. Splashing it underwater onto Ruto's face, Zeldalonjora hopped backwards, allowing room for the transformation. Instead, Ruto simply exploded, sending bits of fried fish everywhere.

"Maybe it wasn't possible," Malon suggested.

Suddenly a piercing wail echoed through the hall above, followed by a groan and high-pitched laughter. Zelda looked at Malon - or in other words, Zeldalonjora looked at itself - with an expression of both fright and interest. The trio cautiously climbed the long staircase, rounded a corner, and went through an open gate. The noises seemed to be coming from the area just outside the cave.

Zeldalonjora peered around the corner to see King Zora energetically kissing the fat lips of Jabu Jabu, crying out passionately in between.

"If he would make out with a giant whale that can't talk, what are the chances that he was romantically involved with Link?" Majora proposed.

"It makes me so mad just thinking about Link and King Zora together," Zelda fumed.

"Why? He's good in bed," Malon repeated.

"Malon, you are angry at him and you WILL destroy him," ordered Majora.

"AAAHHH I'M ANGRY!!!" Malon screamed, startling King Zora. Of course, all he could do was slowly turn in an attempt to see his attackers. Before his face moved an inch, the wrath of Zeldalonjora was upon him. He shrank and transformed into a tiny snail.

"Yay I can go fast!" King Zora exclaimed, trailing along in an attempt to escape. Jabu Jabu's mouth opened.

"Run!" Majora yelled. Zeldalonjora dove off the platform into the water as King Zora was sucked off the surface of the stone patio into Jabu Jabu's wide open mouth.

"Hey...I heard Link walked around inside Jabu Jabu when he was having the affair with Princess Ruto," Malon gasped as they came up for air.

"Where did you hear that?" Zelda complained.

"Link told me one day when we were having a picnic at the ranch."

"You had a picnic with him and he never told me?" Zelda screamed in a rage.

"You were there too," Malon lied. "You were just staring at him the whole time. Didn't hear a word."

"Oh," Zelda muttered, blushing.

"Well, let's take care of the big fish, then," Majora concluded. "Probably enjoyed every second of the time Link walked around inside his body."

Majora whipped out the ice block mask, slapping it on the fleshy middle of Jabu Jabu's face. Nothing happened.

"It doesn't fit," Malon pointed out.

"Then we'll just have to MAKE it fit!" Zelda shouted. The trio pushed as hard as they could against the side of Jabu Jabu's face, smashing it against the nearby rock formation until the mask was able to slip on easily. Jabu Jabu transformed into a giant block of ice, and Zora's Fountain froze over.

"Good. Now, let's go," Zelda ordered. "I've heard something about Link getting hugs over at Death Mountain."


	5. Cooking Up a Vortex

**Chapter 5: Cooking Up a Vortex**

Zeldalonjora looked over the peaceful town of Kakariko, giggling at the oblivious inhabitants going about their nighttime routines within their homes. Crickets chirped in the surrounding hills, and Death Mountain rumbled in the distance. The mountain could wait; they had just discovered a gold mine of people to accuse.

"Three shadow beauties...UNITE!" Majora shouted. Zeldalonjora span around and did a disco pose in the moonlight.

"Wa-cha!" Malon added for effect.

"This is not fair," Zelda whimpered. "What if somebody sees me doing these embarrassing dance moves?"

"Relax," Majora reassured. "WE'LL DESTROY THEM ALL!!"

"...Yay!" Malon whispered. "Can we burn them?"

"Be my guest," Majora answered. "Looks like we're starting to run a little low on masks. Let's save them for the really important people."

"I brought my easy bake oven," Malon squealed. Majora cut her off by slicing through the nearest house with a plasma laser, setting it on fire. "...That works too."

"Yes...yessss...I'm...getting...soooo...PUMPED!" Zelda shouted, laughing maniacally. "DIE, PERVS!"

Zeldalonjora screeched with glee, shooting lasers at random buildings and setting them ablaze. Flames and screams filled the night air.

"Take that, bizarre guy!" Malon screamed. "The nerve! Having his shirt off when Link was in the room!"

"Um, it's 'bazaar', not 'bizarre'," Zelda corrected.

"No offense, but he's pretty bizarre too," Majora offered, blasting the lookout tower.

"You! You gave Link a piece of your heart, freak!" Zelda growled, spotting a man cowering on a rooftop. She blasted a hole through his chest. "Not so big and manly without your three-fourths of a heart, huh? HUH? AHAHAHAHA!!"

"Dang, Zelda," Malon commented. "Way to join the dark side."

"Aren't you going to welcome me?" Zelda stuck out her tongue.

An explosion caught the attention of all three. A black shape shot out of the well, disappearing into the sky. Stars were blotted out in the darkness.

"It's that shadow who attacked Link and me!" Zelda screamed. "I mean, Sheik and me! I mean, Zelda and me! I mean...aaagghh!"

"How does a shadow attack you?" Malon wondered, trying to scratch her head but accidentally poking Majora in the eye.

"I don't know, enveloping us in darkness?" Zelda threw out. "How else would a featureless blob attack us?"

"Wait...so that shadow _touched_ my Linky-poo?" Malon whimpered.

"He's not _your_ Linky-poo, he's _my_ Linky-p...I mean, he belongs to me!" Zelda grunted.

"Enough!" Majora shouted, rubbing its eye. "It sees us! Or it just happens to be moving towards us right now. It could be sliding backwards, I suppose..."

"Back off, sicko freak monster!" Malon shouted at the shadow, shooting fire beams through it with no success.

"That's not doing anything," Zelda grumbled. "Don't you watch tv? Everyone knows you can only defeat giant shadows with the electromagnetic sonar emission mask!"

She slapped on the mask and Zeldalonjora grew into a giant satellite dish, letting out high-pitched noises and bolts of electricity.

"Nooo!! It burns!! Oh, the horror!!" the shadow wailed, sizzling into nothing. "...Whoa, I can talk."

There was a dinging sound behind them. They turned around to find the Impacycle revving its chains and kicking up dust, preparing to charge at them.

"That's the last straw!" it screamed somehow. "You just killed my one true love!"

"Don't be so emo, Impa. It was cheating on you anyway," Zelda filled her in. Impa's kickstand broke, causing her to fall over in a massive explosion. "I guess that takes care of that. Now...there's got to be more where that shadow came from. Link told me stories of rotting hands grabbing him down there."

"Down _there_?" Malon cried.

"Erm, I meant down in the well," Zelda said awkwardly.

Zeldalonjora walked over to the broken well, staring down into the darkness.

"You're sure Link went down there?" Malon asked. "It's just a dumb well. It looks like something I'd have tea parties in. You know, if I was homeless."

"You _are_ homeless, Malon," Zelda reminded her.

"Oh, right," Malon piped. "Well, then, what are we waiting for?"

Zeldalonjora struggled down the ladder, trying to coordinate movements in the dark.

"Zelda, stop hitting me!" Malon complained.

"I'm not hitting you," Zelda sighed. "My hand's on the ru - Wait. I'm not hitting you...Majora can't hit you...OH MY GOSH SOMETHING'S DOWN HERE!"

"Oh, wait, that was me," Malon commented.

"Stop arguing, you two," Majora commanded. "We're at the bottom."

"It s-s-sure is d-dark down h-here," Zelda shuddered.

"Dim lights are great for romantic tea par - " Malon started.

"Shh!" Majora cut her off. "We don't want them to hear us. We'll sneak in like ninjas."

"Yay!" Malon exclaimed, shivering with excitement. "...Can we be the Teenage Mutant Ninja Koopas?"

"No," Majora hissed. "Shut up."

"I'm sorry, my prince," Malon apologized, rubbing her Bowser pendant.

Suddenly the trio stepped in the wrong place and plummeted to certain death. Well, it would have been certain death, but Majora's awesome ninja skills saved the day. Shooting spider webs from his fingers, he soared through the rotting air, landing face-first in an acidic pool of hands.

"Die die die die!" Malon screamed, karate chopping the nearest arm repeatedly.

"Noo, my perfect face!" Zelda whimpered. "The acid is eating away my nose job!"

"It's not your face," Majora groaned. "It's mine."

"Oh. Sweet! So, how are we going to get out of this pit?" Zelda asked, looking around at the rainbow torches and walking corpses. "...Oh. My. Gosh. SILVER FLIPPIN' RUPEES. I NEED I NEED!"

Zelda tossed the three at the nearest floating rupee, only to find that it disappeared with a catchy arrangement of notes played through speakers in the ceiling. They ran around the room, jumping on Redeads and grabbing at silver rupees. Finally, when the last one disappeared, there was a rumbling sound high above. A ladder fell through a small hole in the ceiling.

"Oh lookie, a highly advanced teleportation device!" Malon squealed with joy.

"Uh, Malon, it's a ladder," Zelda pointed out.

"No, it's a teleportation device!" the redhead insisted.

"No, it's a-" Zelda started but was cut off by Majora, who was growing impatient; these two could start an argument in an empty room.

"Just let her have her 'teleportation device' and let's get going!" it dragged them towards the ladder and the instant they touched it, it warped them away in a whirlwind of fairy dust and fried chicken.

"Yay, teleportation here we go!" Malon smirked while Zelda was lost for words.

"Where did this chicken come from?" Majora grabbed one out of the air and took a bite.

"Ew, tastes like horse poop...not that I know what that tastes like," the ranch girl chuckled nervously.

When the magical ride of...magic, was over, they had been warped to a room filled with rows of desks and a blackboard at the front. At each desk sat pairs of redeads, floor masters and one even had the ghost of Princess Ruto sat sulking behind it. Moving through the room, they were about to ask if anyone had seen Link when a dead hand came flouncing out of another door, a pink stick of lipstick in one of its long, white hands. Moving to the front, it eyed the room with its dark, hollow eyes.

"And who might you be?" it asked, in a cold, raspy voice.

"Us?" Malon blinked.

"I don't see any other scary freaks in the room."

"Listen weirdo, we aren't here for chit-chat! Where is Link!" Zelda shouted, not in the mood to be talked down to by something that had been dead longer than the universe had existed.

"Well, if you want your answers, you'll have to stay for our lessons. So take a seat! School is now in session." the dead hand grabbed a piece of chalk and began scribbling on the board.

"This is ridiculous, Link is obviously not here," Majora shifted the three of them towards the door, only to be stopped by one of dead hand's arms.

"I said, school. Is. In. Session! Meaning nobody leaves until it is over. Now take a seat next to Rudolph and Roger at the back there," the dead hand pointed at two redeads sitting at the back of the room, one of them with a large stick shoved up its nose.

"Fine, let's get this over with," Zelda mumbled, leading herself and the others to the desk.

"Today's lessons will include: neck sucking for dummies, moaning and yes, there will even be dropping down and crushing people for the wall masters among us. But firstly, I want to give you a general knowledge test."

"Psst, wanna go out with me?" The redead with a stick up its nose whispered to them.

"Ew, no!" Zelda screamed.

"I think we should take him up on the offer, he looks like a good kisser," Majora said just to annoy the girls. "Want my number?" It leaned over to the redead.

"Don't be so stupid!" Zelda hissed, pulling them back into their seat.

"Now, what is 1 + 1?" The dead hand asked as it wrote on the board.

"1 + 1 equals me and Link forever!" Malon exclaimed.

"No, it equals me and Link forever!" Zelda yelled over the ranch girl.

"I thought it equalled 2," Majora mumbled.

"2 is correct!" The dead hand applauded Majora. "Would you like a star to stick on your shirt as a reward?"

"Erm, not really."

"Not even a pretty pink one with glitter on?"

"Well...I am partial to shiny pink things, so sure!" Majora stuck the star in the centre of their clothing.

"Brainbox," the wall master in front snickered to its neighbour.

"Now we will concentrate on our 1 times tables."

"This is ridiculous, I'm too smart to be in this place!" Zelda stood up, ready to leave without being stopped this time.

"Yeah, you're up to your 2 times tables, aren't you Zelda?" Malon laughed.

"3 actually!" She smiled proudly. "Now, let's get out of here and find my true love."

"We'd need a mirror for that," Majora chuckled to itself.

"What did I tell you about leaving class early?" The dead hand grabbed Zeldalonjora by the back of its collar.

"You said...this!" Malon shot a laser towards the teacher. Ducking just in time, it missed the dead hand and shattered the black board in half to revel a picture of Link, smothered in kisses which were the same colour as the dead hand's lipstick.

"I knew it!" Zelda fumed. "You kidnapped Link and trapped him in that picture so you could kiss him to death! It's ok my darling, I'm coming to save you!" The princess lunged towards the dead hand.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about. I've never seen that boy before in my life, or death!" The dead hand backed slowly into a corner.

"Hmm, which mask should we use to punish this terrible monster?" Majora looked into the bag but couldn't see an appropriate mask.

"While you look for one I'll make us some cakes using my easy bake oven!" Malon squealed, taking out her precious oven. "Poor Link must be so hungry, being trapped in there for so long." Tugging at the door, she got a shock when they found a swirling vortex of doom inside. "I forgot that was there."

"Give it here!" Zelda snatched the oven and threw it at the dead hand.

Instantly, the vortex sucked up anything it could reach. Chairs, desks, the ghost of Ruto and all the students flew around the room until the oven sucked them into the depths of the unknown. The dead hand tried desperately to cling onto the wall but it was no good, the vortex pulled it and the Link picture into the void.

"Aaah no!" Malon yelled, grabbing the picture. "I've got you Link!"

"I don't think so," Zelda swiped the picture from Malon to discover that it was in fact, a picture with no magical spells attached to it. "Bah, you can have it," she threw it back at Malon. "You'll need it more than me when we find the real thing anyway."

The oven closed with a merry 'dinging' sound and that was that.

"But how do we get out of here?" Malon asked, not seeing any more teleportation devices in sight.

"Easy!" Majora pulled out the Rocket Shoes Mask. Placing it over their face, they found a pair of super deluxe rocket shoes on their feet. "Now, let's blast out of here and away to Death Mountain!"

"Wheeee!" Malon giggled as they blasted through the ceiling of the room, out into the mess that was Kakariko Village.

"Link just has to be somewhere on the mountain," Zelda stared at the huge Death Mountain. "Watch out Darunia, I'm coming to put an end to your Goron hugs!"


End file.
